Reviews

Amazon reviews are scarce enough. It's like waiting for a Dublin Bus - you'll be waiting ages for one, then two will come at once (and drive straight past your stop, both full, while you stand in the rain like a simp)

I sit and wait for reviews,

On my debut indie book,

Tried for weeks to get honest feedback,

With hardly any luck.

Today, I got my first review,

Five stars I’m over the moon,

I click to see who wrote it,

But it’s only my Auntie June.

Today, I got my second review,

Shock horror it’s family again,

At least it’s better than nothing,

Kind words from my brother, Ben.

Today, I got my third review,

My girlfriend is proud as punch,

An unbiased view wouldn’t go amiss,

She takes me out to lunch.

Today, I got my fourth review,

And so finally ends the drought,

A stranger said they loved it,

I celebrate with a pint of stout.

Today, I got my fifth review,

From a former teacher at school,

She said I’m diligent and have potential,

This isn’t a report card, you fool.

Today, I got my sixth review,

Unputdownable says Jack,

I try and do a cartwheel,

And slip a disk in my back.

Today, I got my seventh review,

I read from the hospital bed,

A true tour de force of literature,

I’m starting to get a big head.

Today, I got my twelfth review,

Now we’re picking up steam,

Local paper wants an interview,

Sure I could literally scream.

Today, I got my twenty-fifth review,

One star is all they give,

So I hunt them down online,

And find out where they live.

Today, I got my twenty-sixth review,

But that negative one has left me scarred,

I kidnap the person responsible,

And bury them in the yard.

Today, I got my two hundredth review,

I think I’ll quit my job,

Hotshot agent has signed me up,

Promises he’ll earn me a few bob.

Today, I got my one thousandth review,

4.8 stars average rating,

Some say I’m overrated,

Haters will always be hating.

Today, I got my five thousandth review,

The offers come thick and fast,

Movie studios are pitching to me,

I demand an all-Irish cast.

Today, I got my ten thousandth review,

I’ve moved into a splendid mansion,

Also started my own publishing house,

It’s all about expansion.

Today, I got my fourteen thousandth review,

I’m hearing some troubling news,

A body was found at my old property,

It spoils my Caribbean cruise.

Today, I got my last review,

The police are at my door,

They arrest me on suspicion of murder,

But officers he said my book was poor!